um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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