Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
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