so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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