Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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