The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
We don't watch enough power rangers
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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