Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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