it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
