Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
