My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
