i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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