saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
