you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
