Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
