I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
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