Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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