My sheets look like a crime scene.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
