We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His hands were made for my vagina.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
