Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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