help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
