this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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