I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
