Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Randomize
