oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
