you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
