I bet he comes in French.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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