i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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