i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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