Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
