Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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