Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
They took my balls.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
