I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
birth control should be required to get into college
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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