My friends, they love my intelligence
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
