your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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