Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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