this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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