dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
