youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
