just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
