just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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