it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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