Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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