Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
