Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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