Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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