What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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