I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
