I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
