Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
