True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Boobs speak an international language.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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