So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
